The Beyhive never sleeps, but now that Queen B has been spotted out and about clutching The Laptop © and wearing The Braids © (”The Laptop” and “The Braids” appear in this post courtesy of Parkwood Entertainment), the typical harbingers of Beyoncé At Work, all stans are on high alert. The newly released Beyoncé Holiday Capsule collection will surely do wonders to tide us all over for a moment, until the next cryptic outfit clue can be dug up from those perfect Instagram collage snippets. Here’s a nifty review of the greatest must-cops (as well as a few items to leave to the diehards).
“On this day in history, Supreme Empress Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter gave us Thiccsgiving”, is surely what American students will be chanting in November 2117. Rosy-cheeked carolers will smile and harmonize “May your days be merry and thiiiicc” from now on. Christmas cards? They’ll all read “Thiccest wishes”.
If white girls start calling me ‘sis’ from now on, at least I’ll know they like Beyoncé so that will dull the blow.
“Holidayoncé” white tee ($40)
A classic gift for the ages, for others, but mostly for yourself. What guest’s face would not light up when the host opens the door and Beyoncé is the first one they see?
“Yoncé" adult onesie ($85)
After dinner comes “everybody non-essential leave it’s corny movie and digesting” time. This year, the entire family can curl up in Yoncé onesies and pretend to genuinely propose to do the dishes with style and grace. Also available in purple and black!
Who cares what’s wrapped in it, the paper’s the gift for any true Beyoncé aficionado!
“Slaybells” phone case ($30)
If a certain family member loves being glued to their phone all through dinner, at least make sure you’ve got something to look at too as the dim blue glow lights up the stifled grins on their face while they talk shit about you in their Xmas live-tweets. Also comes in a “Shinin’” (feat. Dj Khaled) version!
In the words of Saint Mariah: “I know it’s over the top but that’s just how festive I am!”
Sis, that’s not even a sweater! I mean, I’ll get 5 pairs, but at a certain point comes the moment a grown person needs to evaluate the lengths they’ll go to for their queen. There is an actual sweater version too though, so no need to struggle with the cognitive dissonance for too long. And when you see how Team B styled it, with a cute red tulle Molly Goddard (?) dress, who even cares what it reads? Capitalism is art.
“Beyoncé Holiday Ornament” bauble ($12)
This one is so bizarre it’s actually iconic. Think about it. They could’ve put “Hail Satan” on these and we would’ve been like: “Actually it’s so clever, “hail” has 4 letters – the same amount as ‘Blue’ or ‘Tina’ and “Satan” has 5 – just like ‘Kelly’ and ‘Julez’. QUEEN OF FAMILY”.
Those not wanting to explain these well-founded theorems to furrowed-brow relatives, can get more traditional options such as the “Slay Bells” lemon bauble, “Holidayoncé” enamel ornament or the “B red satin” ball.